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Singles Dating and the Single Parent: What's It All About?
In this series, a single mom and dad meet and date. I was looking forward to seeing single parents on TV. How would Hollywood depict us? Within sixty minutes, I knew. Sex was the pivot point of the couple's first date - how soon would they be able to have it? If this is what single parent dating was all about, I said, "Never Again!?" Subsequent episodes showed how the couples' involvement affected their family and friends. Children were hurt, friends were confused. How could Lily and Rick have avoided causing this pain? God's plan for romantic relationships is radically different than what the world advocates for us. What differences can we find between Lily and Rick's relationship and a godly dating relationship? Sex belongs in marriage only. Lily and Rick find themselves in bed very early in their relationship. In God's eyes, this is adultery. Is this a great foundation for a partnership? Physical intimacy so early short- circuits other areas of the relationship. What will they do when they aren't in bed? Do they have values and interests in common? What are their views on childrearing? Sex binds two people, and can blind judgment when it's one of the first phases of a relationship. God designed sex for the final and best way to communicate between two people; but the groundwork must be laid first. Don't date until you are legally divorced. Lily has only been separated from her husband for eight months. She is not yet divorced. In the eyes of the law, she is still married. In God's eyes, a married woman sleeping with a man other than her husband is committing adultery. And in God's eyes, married people are not free to date. A waiting and healing period of at least a year after your divorce is finalized will insure that you are well on your way to being emotionally whole. Have a foundation of friendship before going out on a date. How well did Lily and Rick know each other before they went out? They saw each other in the parking lot, and spoke momentarily in the school nurse's waiting room. Not much time to learn about another person. It's far easier and safer to get to know someone as a friend first, before jumping into a dating relationship. Going through a time of friendship shows you the character of the other person without the pressure of dating. We're on our best behavior when we're dating. Glimpses of the real character of the other person that arise as we progress in a dating relationship can be disconcerting. Wouldn't it be easier to have much of this information processed before you even step out on a date? Will this slow down your dating process? Probably. Hopefully. It's wise to take things slowly and think things through. A spiritual foundation ensures success in the relationship. A relationship built upon Christ has a far better chance of succeeding than one that does not. What foundation do Lily and Rick have? Who knows - they don't know each other well enough to have established one yet. Loneliness, need for companionship, neediness - are these solid building blocks? Not hidden, but public. Lily and Rick choose to keep their relationship hidden from most of the people in their lives. A Godly relationship will stand up under the light of day. Interacting in groups gives you the opportunity to observe your dating partner's character more thoroughly and allows input from your friends and loved ones. Don't involve the kids too early. Lily and Rick's kids are traumatized by their parents' relationship on a weekly basis. They are still reeling from their parents' separation and divorce. It is far too soon for Lily to be dating. And Rick still seems to have unresolved issues with his ex and his kids. Better to focus their energies at this time on rebuilding their families. There will be time enough later on for dating. Does this mean single parents should never date? Of course not. A well planned, Godly relationship can be beneficial and rewarding for everyone. How can we be sure that we are developing this kind of relationship? First, be healthy yourself. A relationship may be a bandage for the pain of loneliness, but the wounds will still need to be tended. It is far wiser to repair your own house first and then think about dating. Be content in your singleness. If you need someone of the opposite sex to feel complete, you probably are not ready to date. Build a strong support system of friends, especially same-sex friends. If you are nurtured by loving friends and family, you will be able to choose a dating partner from a position of strength, not weakness. Be resolute in your requirements for a dating partner. What traits are critical to you in a future mate? A similar belief in Christ? Honesty? Integrity? A sense of humor? Determine what is important to you and don't settle for Mr. or Ms. Wrong in the heat of the moment. It's easy to compromise if you are not first firm in your own convictions. With God's guidance, and in His timing, you can find and be a godly dating partner. Enjoy! copyright November 1999 To email Sue Hoover comments, complaints, suggestions, visit The Single Parent Online Retreat! |
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I don't watch much TV, but this fall I eagerly tuned in to the season premiere of "Once and Again."