Who Gives this Woman?
By editor on Aug 3, 2009 in Bookshelf Picks, Family Life, Featured, Marriage
Excerpt from What He Must Be: …If He Wants to Marry My Daughter by Voddie Baucham
“I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
– Exodus 20:5-6
Who Gives this Woman?
My hands were shaking as I stood at the altar staring into the eyes of all those people. I tried to relax, but the more I thought about it, the worse it got. My hands were sweating, my mouth was dry, and I had a thousand things running through my head. The music started, the crowd stood to their feet, and then, like something out of a movie script, the bride appeared. I thought I was going to pass out . . . and it wasn’t even my wedding.
Here I was, a young seminarian about to perform his first “real” wedding ceremony. It was all I could do to get through my lines and remember the bride’s and groom’s names. Since then I’ve thought a lot about weddings. To tell the truth, I’m not much of a fan. The whole thing has become so commercialized that the sacred covenant at the center of it all has been all but lost. However, a closer look at the wedding ceremony offers important insight.
For one thing, most people—whether they are Christians or not—want to get married in a church. They also usually want to have the ceremony performed by a minister. Why? I believe this is due to the fact that we all know deep down that God is the author of marriage. We understand that marriage is sacred.
However, what intrigues me most is a simple ritual that goes almost unnoticed in contemporary ceremonies—the consent of the father for the bride to marry. As I stood there that day, I asked the age-old question, “Who gives this woman to be married?” Even in the movies sentimental screenwriters often work the traditional response, “Her mother and I do” into the script. But where does this come from? What does it mean? Do we really believe that a woman needs the consent of her father in order to marry? Do we really believe a young man needs permission from the father of the bride? Or is this question (and the corresponding “may I have your daughter’s hand in marriage?” before the official engagement) merely a quaint, anachronistic touch that we can do without if we wish?
I believe it’s more than that. I believe these two steps are extremely important. I also believe that their true meaning and significance must be recovered. Young men have traditionally asked a woman’s father for her hand in marriage because we have always known that fathers are responsible for protecting their daughters. Unfortunately, this question is often reserved until after the couple has been seeing each other for years and, in many instances, have already begun to enjoy the privileges of marriage. At that point the question is reduced to an insulting, symbolic gesture.
As for the question at the altar, I believe that too has great significance. Fathers do indeed “give [their] daughters in marriage” (Jeremiah 29:6). This is a symbol of protection and care for the daughter being entrusted to her husband. It is also a symbol of trust. The father is saying to his daughter, “I have evaluated and appraised this man, and I trust him with the most precious thing in the world, my little girl.”
If this is true (and I believe it is), then fathers must do more than just send their daughters off into the world and “hope they come back with a good one.” We must take our responsibility seriously. We must walk with our daughters through this process of finding a suitable husband. We must also actively protect our daughters from men who do not measure up to God’s standard. If we don’t, the consequences may be dire.
Unfortunately, most of us have little or no experience or coaching in this area. We have been conditioned by our culture to take a backseat and just hope for the best. As a result, our daughters are left to fend for themselves, and the results are sometimes frightening. But what’s a father to do? Are we supposed to arrange marriages? Should we lock our daughters in the basement until they’re thirty? Besides, how appropriate would it be for me to stick my nose in her business?
These questions and a whole host of others have kept many fathers on the sidelines. But this simply is not good enough. There is too much at stake. For the sake of our children and our children’s children, we must reclaim this ground. We must begin to think outside the cultural box in order to protect our sons and daughters from the devastation all around us.
This excerpt was used with permission from What He Must Be by Voddie Baucham 2009
About the Author
VODDIE BAUCHAM JR. is the preaching pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, Texas. Author of Family Driven Faith and The Ever-Loving Truth, Baucham is also a sought-after preacher and conference speaker. He and his wife, Bridget, live in Texas with their four children.
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